Another Monday Edition 10/09/2007
September 12th 2007 09:24
Some people don't know how to use umbrellas and that makes me really mad.
First of all, there’s the obvious danger; at one end, there's a sharp point and at the other end's a blunt point, (ie, a person). Combine a sharp point with a blunt point and you have the potential to inflict all types of injuries and have reason to complain. So Another Monday faithful, get ready to flick those brolly's open for another literally deluge.
ANOTHER MONDAY – IT'S NOT RAINING ZEN
For the purposes of this Another Monday, we're talking about umbrella's in relation to precipitation (water). Those who use umbrella's during sunlight hours should be avoided at all costs. This is because these are probably the same people who believe shoe phones are just ‘a matter of time’.
Umbrella's are like girlfriends. They come in all different shapes, sizes, colours and range in degrees of difficulty. There's:
- The jumbo sized, so big that can cover all members of the fifth Battalion of The Royal Australian Regiment,
- The cheap and nasty you buy only because you're desperate and it's dark outside,
- The slim lined, pretty, perky and overpriced and,
- The one's that only show up in kebab shops because you can't find them anywhere else.
Umbrella's people - not girlfriends.
Then there are those special umbrellas that serve as two umbrellas; they're called 'magic umbrellas'. They work both inside and out. You don't know you have a magic umbrella until you're walking into a gale force wind and the rain is cutting incisions down your back. Magic umbrella's by nature sound fun but if your umbrella can't decide if it wants to be inside or outside, maybe it's time you decide you should be inside.
Then there are the type of umbrella users. People who:
- Carry their long and closed umbrella horizontally, not vertically,
- Leave a clear drip trail over tiled floors,
- Use their open umbrella as 'chicken' when they're walking towards you,
- In an attempt to dry their umbrella, end up flicking more water on you than away from you,
- Use their umbrella (unsteady), side to side, front to back, basically anywhere not above your head.
And lastly, there's those people who really give you the wet middle finger. This is when they have a brolley and a spare space underneath it but stand at the lights and don't offer to share it. Yes I'm talking to you ugly man at the lights.
Other than the physical dangers of umbrella's and the physical danger you want to do to some umbrella operators, there's one glaring wrong with them. Rather than have water ricochet away from us, we should be collecting it. We whine when we don't have enough water and then we whine again when god forbid some of it gets on your bad crew cut.
So after all's said and done, umbrellas only really protect you from hair and face water. If you have a lower body, no matter how much you angle your umbrella, you will always get wet. So really, the only umbrellas that have any use at all are the umbrellas you put in your pina colada.
Are you drinking a pina colada? Do you have a lower body? Have you got a girlfriend? Do you have a shoe phone? Are you ugly and standing at the lights? If so, email Liz at Another Monday. anothermonday@theonioncupboar d.com Some people call umbrella's 'dry hats'. That makes me mad as well.
First of all, there’s the obvious danger; at one end, there's a sharp point and at the other end's a blunt point, (ie, a person). Combine a sharp point with a blunt point and you have the potential to inflict all types of injuries and have reason to complain. So Another Monday faithful, get ready to flick those brolly's open for another literally deluge.
ANOTHER MONDAY – IT'S NOT RAINING ZEN
For the purposes of this Another Monday, we're talking about umbrella's in relation to precipitation (water). Those who use umbrella's during sunlight hours should be avoided at all costs. This is because these are probably the same people who believe shoe phones are just ‘a matter of time’.
Umbrella's are like girlfriends. They come in all different shapes, sizes, colours and range in degrees of difficulty. There's:
- The jumbo sized, so big that can cover all members of the fifth Battalion of The Royal Australian Regiment,
- The cheap and nasty you buy only because you're desperate and it's dark outside,
- The slim lined, pretty, perky and overpriced and,
- The one's that only show up in kebab shops because you can't find them anywhere else.
Umbrella's people - not girlfriends.
Then there are those special umbrellas that serve as two umbrellas; they're called 'magic umbrellas'. They work both inside and out. You don't know you have a magic umbrella until you're walking into a gale force wind and the rain is cutting incisions down your back. Magic umbrella's by nature sound fun but if your umbrella can't decide if it wants to be inside or outside, maybe it's time you decide you should be inside.
Then there are the type of umbrella users. People who:
- Carry their long and closed umbrella horizontally, not vertically,
- Leave a clear drip trail over tiled floors,
- Use their open umbrella as 'chicken' when they're walking towards you,
- In an attempt to dry their umbrella, end up flicking more water on you than away from you,
- Use their umbrella (unsteady), side to side, front to back, basically anywhere not above your head.
And lastly, there's those people who really give you the wet middle finger. This is when they have a brolley and a spare space underneath it but stand at the lights and don't offer to share it. Yes I'm talking to you ugly man at the lights.
Other than the physical dangers of umbrella's and the physical danger you want to do to some umbrella operators, there's one glaring wrong with them. Rather than have water ricochet away from us, we should be collecting it. We whine when we don't have enough water and then we whine again when god forbid some of it gets on your bad crew cut.
So after all's said and done, umbrellas only really protect you from hair and face water. If you have a lower body, no matter how much you angle your umbrella, you will always get wet. So really, the only umbrellas that have any use at all are the umbrellas you put in your pina colada.
Are you drinking a pina colada? Do you have a lower body? Have you got a girlfriend? Do you have a shoe phone? Are you ugly and standing at the lights? If so, email Liz at Another Monday. anothermonday@theonioncupboar d.com Some people call umbrella's 'dry hats'. That makes me mad as well.
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