Ashlee SimmonsAnother Monday - More Than Your Average Joe (LINK)
September 23rd 2007 21:05
I have a stalking arrangement with local Sydney News Limited columnist, Joe Hildebrand. The arrangement is that I do all the stalking and all the arranging.
This involves but isn’t limited to randomly calling News Limited just knowing that the person I’m speaking to is in the same building as Joe; commenting on Joe’s blog and requesting he be my friend on MySpace. But MySpace posed all sorts of problems because people started stalking me and I had to leave. That hasn’t deterred me, after all there’s still Facebook, email, snail mail, text message and as a last resort, face to face contact.
But if I’m truthful, I think if I ever saw Joe in public, I’d run up to him, scream like a teenager and run away again. Either that or forget my name when I introduced myself. He’d always call me ‘Belinda’ but ask ‘Why does your email address say Liz?’
My friends are so sick of me talking about Joe that as soon as I say ‘Guess What?’, they interrupt me with a shooting - ‘Is it about Joe?’ Of which I’d just nod my head and lower it in a look of shame. But enough about me; more about Joe.
Joe has a docile drawl much like the Sandman. Looks wise, he’s the sort of guy that’d take a good mug shot - in fact, I think his Bio shot is a mug shot. Joe writes a lot of things about a lot of things, but most weeks he talks about his gay friend ‘Darrin’. In last weeks column, Joe introduced his readers to what could only be assumed to be one of Darrin’s favourite You Tube clips by ‘Bear Force’. I’m not familiar with ‘gay’ lingo but I’m presuming Bear Force doesn’t refer to the team of Care Bears we all grew up with.
Bear Force have, for lack of a better word, a video clip. The ‘team’, comprises of four male members each wearing their own individually coloured pastel shirt (lilac, musk, aqua and lemon) and pants whiter than a Larry Emdur smile. Bear Force is what happens when the Wiggles age, buff themselves up and turn fruity. And I’m not talking apples or apricot fruity, I’m talking fruity with a lisp and a wardrobe full of tan sandals.
Their video includes a lot of crotch shots. A lot. It also includes a lot of self chest touching and very obvious muscle poses. You know the one. This is where you ask a buff man for directions and he positions himself in such a way he's sort of pointing in the direction but doing it with puffed up ‘guns’.
Like with any tragic ‘boy band’ stuck in December 1987, Bear Force have a unique style of a synthesizer backing track and a montage of disco tracks. And what would a gay video clip be without a strobe light, near naked frolicking on the beach and more dancing in the rain than a tampon commercial. Essentially, the team of Bear Force dance, well, like, gay men. There’s also a lot of sexual innuendo even I don’t understand.
All I can say is that this video clip is more mesmerizing than Melissa Tkautz’s ‘Read My Lips’. But the question goes begging - I wonder if Big Ted is a part of the Bear Force?
Are you begging? Do you have tan sandals? Are you being stalked? Do you have a crotch shot? Are you stuck in 1987? If so, email Liz at Another Monday. anothermonday@theonioncupboar d.com - Guess What?
** To subscribe to this weekly article club and get your copy before everyone else, - email Liz **
This involves but isn’t limited to randomly calling News Limited just knowing that the person I’m speaking to is in the same building as Joe; commenting on Joe’s blog and requesting he be my friend on MySpace. But MySpace posed all sorts of problems because people started stalking me and I had to leave. That hasn’t deterred me, after all there’s still Facebook, email, snail mail, text message and as a last resort, face to face contact.
But if I’m truthful, I think if I ever saw Joe in public, I’d run up to him, scream like a teenager and run away again. Either that or forget my name when I introduced myself. He’d always call me ‘Belinda’ but ask ‘Why does your email address say Liz?’
My friends are so sick of me talking about Joe that as soon as I say ‘Guess What?’, they interrupt me with a shooting - ‘Is it about Joe?’ Of which I’d just nod my head and lower it in a look of shame. But enough about me; more about Joe.
Joe has a docile drawl much like the Sandman. Looks wise, he’s the sort of guy that’d take a good mug shot - in fact, I think his Bio shot is a mug shot. Joe writes a lot of things about a lot of things, but most weeks he talks about his gay friend ‘Darrin’. In last weeks column, Joe introduced his readers to what could only be assumed to be one of Darrin’s favourite You Tube clips by ‘Bear Force’. I’m not familiar with ‘gay’ lingo but I’m presuming Bear Force doesn’t refer to the team of Care Bears we all grew up with.
Bear Force have, for lack of a better word, a video clip. The ‘team’, comprises of four male members each wearing their own individually coloured pastel shirt (lilac, musk, aqua and lemon) and pants whiter than a Larry Emdur smile. Bear Force is what happens when the Wiggles age, buff themselves up and turn fruity. And I’m not talking apples or apricot fruity, I’m talking fruity with a lisp and a wardrobe full of tan sandals.
Their video includes a lot of crotch shots. A lot. It also includes a lot of self chest touching and very obvious muscle poses. You know the one. This is where you ask a buff man for directions and he positions himself in such a way he's sort of pointing in the direction but doing it with puffed up ‘guns’.
Like with any tragic ‘boy band’ stuck in December 1987, Bear Force have a unique style of a synthesizer backing track and a montage of disco tracks. And what would a gay video clip be without a strobe light, near naked frolicking on the beach and more dancing in the rain than a tampon commercial. Essentially, the team of Bear Force dance, well, like, gay men. There’s also a lot of sexual innuendo even I don’t understand.
All I can say is that this video clip is more mesmerizing than Melissa Tkautz’s ‘Read My Lips’. But the question goes begging - I wonder if Big Ted is a part of the Bear Force?
Are you begging? Do you have tan sandals? Are you being stalked? Do you have a crotch shot? Are you stuck in 1987? If so, email Liz at Another Monday. anothermonday@theonioncupboar d.com - Guess What?
** To subscribe to this weekly article club and get your copy before everyone else, - email Liz **
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Do you know what really grinds my gears?
Then you could suggest dying together. I don't think Joe would approve, but he might not have the choice
More to the point however, it's great doing a bit of stalking. Healthy stalking, which can be optimised with Facebook - who he speaks to, who he's friends with and so on - is so much fun. Facebook may be the downfall of my degree. That and making up very strange stories about you killing Joe's lover...
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