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Thinking Outloud

March 7th 2008 06:06

This week my brain is very much cerebral mush. This is mainly because in an attempt to avoid the rat race... from which I have recently resigned (of cowered away from and retreated into eternal despair).... I have returned to Uni to do my Masters in Writing. As this is just a method of further procrastination on my part, when people exclaim "wow, your Masters, that's impressive" I get worried. Very worried. Suddenly, people think I must be a decent writer, scholar and all round go-getter.... I'm not. I don't even really want to be a writer.. As the job description is daily self-deprication, self-loathing and a barrage inferiority complexes. Honestly, I only enrolled in this course as the applications had closed for all the other courses. A lame justification for the fact that I am paying about 15K to do the damn thing.

Now, this being said, the main reason for the brain jelly I'm toting in my cranium is not the course itself, or the lack of life direction.... but the other indivduals enrolled in this course with me. It's all online so people don't hold back... in the slightest (me divulging my life to you is a shining example of this lack of modesty). From what I've gathered, I am the youngest by about 15 years. This isn't the problem. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a soul-wrenching read as much as the next person, but all of these people are, or want to appear, really intense. Just in casual discussion threads they quote Orwell, Hemingway etc. So basically, what I'm trying to say is.... they make me feel stupid. Perhaps I am in the scheme of things, and that's ok. What gets me is, finally I'm in a course where I am asked my ideas.... not just asked to regurgitate other peoples.... I did that for my bachelor's degree and it drove me nuts.

I've never wanted to be a serious writer, or write an epic or anything like that. I just want to be able to write some silly little something that makes people chuckle while reading it on the train, jammed awkwardly between two strangers. The people in my course are just like the beret wearing politics/literature students I tried to avoid all through uni... except now the are older and wiser and hence have more opinions on everything. Granted they are all probably great people, but do we really need poetic prose when engaging in general discussion?

I really have to figure out what I'm doing with my life.....

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